Creaturepalooza

Captain's Log: Flyin' high again and hoping I don't have to take a piss-test when those space-cops catch up to us....

Proving just how jack-booted and thuggish the Confederation really is, Commander Adam's wife, Nancy, recently had me arrested like a cheap pimp just so I could do her a favor.

Her hookwormy hubby had crash-landed on Vitalius IV, home of the galaxy's most infamous monsters. Nancy's big solution to this minor crisis was to dump an earwig in my ear that would eat my brain in 24 hours if she didn't remove it ?and she was the only one who could. In other words, if I wanted to live, I had to rescue Adam.

Convincing my crew to help me burned up an insultingly large chunk of my incredibly shrinking life-span, but we finally landed on Vitalius IV. There, the crew distracted the critters while I scanned for Commander Adam's life-signal. My readings indicated that he was only a couple kilometers away, so we set out on foot.

On the way, we faced a parade of famous monsters trying to eat us, but I stopped fainting over celebrities a long time ago. All that fame makes 'em as soft as pussycats: Whip and Gus walked away from Freddy and Jason with only minor deformities, and Gus actually hooked up with the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

We finally discovered Commander Codpiece doing the nasty with the 50-foot-tall Woman ?on top of a mountain. At this point, T'Nuk helped slightly by galloping up, kicking Ms. 50's ass, and carting Commander Boy Toy back down. But why dwell on T'Nuk's negligible contribution? Her head is swollen enough already (though it's dwarfed by her grotesquely inflated ass).

Plus, I was still plenty heroic. We got back to the Jupiter 42 with mere minutes left ?only to notice that Six was missing! Glimpsing a suspicious lump in an oversized anaconda loitering nearby, I heroically dived down its throat to rescue my girl, even though that meant my clock would tick down to zero.

Technically speaking, it turned out that Six wasn't precisely in the anaconda; she was just in another compartment, contacting Adam's wife. But it's the thought that counts, right? I triumphed in my heroic snake battle, and Nancy arrived to remove the brain-sucker. Then we all trooped off to my lavish award ceremony. Now that was a happenin' scene ?until the 50-foot-tall Woman showed up to steal Adam back from Nancy.

I guess things got pretty ugly after that, but I didn't stick around to find out. I may be a hero, but c'mon ?I'm not stupid.

Six, Chode, Gus, T'Nuk, Whip, Spaceship Bob, Darph Bobo, Adam

A humorous and sexy send-up of all things SF, following the adventures of The Free Enterprise, a smuggling vessel led by a stumpy purple alien named Chode, who, along with his colorful group of misfit shipmates, battles arch-enemies and new obstacles in space each week.

Chode's crew includes Six, a sexy cyborg who happens to be the most advanced android ever created; Gus, Chode's sexually confused and verbally abused robot slave; T'Nuk, the ship's esthetically challenged pilot; and Whip, Chode's teenage slacker nephew. Spaceship Bob is the fastest ship in the galaxy.

3D animation.

The Sci-Fi Channel's first-ever original animated series.

Based on a Web short film of the same name, which debuted on Level13.net in November 1999, and which won the grand prize in the Playboy Animation Contest in 2000.