Ghost Ship

Captain's Log, two steps over the line and askin' for three steps toward the door ?

Everyone knows the old "out of gas" trick: You fly your ship somewhere out into the void between a couple of galaxies, let the fusion drive sputter out, and tell your date the ship's out of fuel. Then you find creative ways to pass the time "until help arrives," or you decide your pelvis can't take anymore and you "remember" that there's a spare fuel pod in the cargo bay. Times like that, running out of gas can be a good thing.

This was not one of those times.

We ran dry smack in the middle of the Bermuda Quadrant. That place has a nastier reputation than Darph Bobo's daughter, "Bacterium" Babette, and pretty soon we stumbled across a genuine ghost ship with a skeleton at the helm. Luckily, crap like that doesn't scare yours truly, so I led Gus, T'Nuk and Whip onto the wreck to find its fuel tanks and steal what we needed.

Onboard, we discovered something way better than fuel ? the cargo hold was crammed full of gold! I was gonna roll around in it until it stuck to my skin like the greatest freckin' pantsuit in the universe, but the instant we touched it, all the doors slammed shut. We were trapped.

Then the ship's ghosts apparently started trying their damnedest to project images of our worst fears. I say "apparently" because my three employees' "inner demons" put on an even lamer freak show than Freddy and Jason Make Out (a disturbing vid I found while throwing Gus' porn stash into the incinerator, along with T'Nuk's used "massagers").

The trembling trio pissed themselves with fright, but I kept my famous cool ? even when the ghosts sent my old elementary physics teacher, Miss Maxwell, to punish me for being naughty. There I was, bent over a desk, the ruler whispering sexily as it whooshed through the sultry air, my exposed purple hide shivering not in fear, but in anticipation... um, I'll save the rest of that story for when this becomes a pay site.

Anyhoo, Six showed up and interrupted that well-deserved lesson. Then I had to help the whole crew confront their fears, because that was the only way to defeat the ghosts. After that, all I had to do was face my own deepest, darkest terror ? leaving behind all that beautiful, beautiful bling. Oh, gods, the horror! What kind of cruel bastard came up with this?

But, being a paragon of self-restraint, I ditched the gold and the doors opened. (I'm sure it was just a fear-induced hallucination that made Gus, Whip and T'Nuk think that I would jeopardize all our lives for something so petty as gold.) Six used her finely-honed sucking skills to siphon up the fuel we needed, and we said "sayonara" to the Bermuda Bumblefreck.

So, I don't have a gold pantsuit, but I've got a sweet idea for a new game Six and I can play. It's called "Li'l Chodie and Miss Maxwell," and it's nothin' but good, clean fun ? and "some elementary physics"...

Six, Chode, Gus, T'Nuk, Whip, Spaceship Bob, Darph Bobo, Adam

A humorous and sexy send-up of all things SF, following the adventures of The Free Enterprise, a smuggling vessel led by a stumpy purple alien named Chode, who, along with his colorful group of misfit shipmates, battles arch-enemies and new obstacles in space each week.

Chode's crew includes Six, a sexy cyborg who happens to be the most advanced android ever created; Gus, Chode's sexually confused and verbally abused robot slave; T'Nuk, the ship's esthetically challenged pilot; and Whip, Chode's teenage slacker nephew. Spaceship Bob is the fastest ship in the galaxy.

3D animation.

The Sci-Fi Channel's first-ever original animated series.

Based on a Web short film of the same name, which debuted on Level13.net in November 1999, and which won the grand prize in the Playboy Animation Contest in 2000.