Sidewalk Soiler

Captain's Log, somewhere between Six and 69:

Some days start off bad and get better. Today, that was half right.

I was getting my freak on in the hot tub with Six when I saw an ad for cloaking devices. Figuring one of those babies would keep us off Darph Bobo's radar, I decided to drop everything and go to the planet Snozzle to buy one from a used-cloak dealer named Sailor Pete. (With a name like that, he's got to be trustworthy, right?) I decided to set a course for Snozzle... right after I finished letting Six "baby" me.

Then my nephew Whip comes crashing through the door, gets an eyeful of my diaper and goes stark raving blind on the spot. I've asked Gus a hundred times to put a lock on that freckin' door!

Anyway, I decided the simplest, most honest way to deal with Whip's hysterical blindness was for me, Six and Gus to go on a road trip and leave the little green whiner on the ship.

Then, for one shining moment, I thought my day was looking up. There I was, standing on the transporter pad, when what should materialize but a mysterious gift of my favorite gum: Clownzooka Chew-n-Spit! In assorted flavors!

We beamed down to Snozzle, but since Bob's targeting sensors are as accurate as a drunken Irishman's urine stream, we missed Sailor Pete's lot by about 750 miles. The planet looked like a Stepford world. I strolled along, minding my own business, and when I spit out my used gum on the sidewalk, an army of cops busted me faster than I could say "What the freck?"

In no time, my handsome, roguish face ignited a planetwide media frenzy. Those damned Snozzilians scheduled my trial and execution by electrocution as a pay-per-view event! (Though I'm pleased to say that it was the best-selling such event in years. What can I say? I was born to be a star.)

My crew immediately sprang into action: Gus booked a first-class ticket to Alpha Centauri, T'Nuk printed up a run of "Barbecue Chode" t-shirts and Six kicked their asses and hired me a lawyer named Penelope Schlubb. Penelope was, at least, understandably motivated: She was determined to get me off ? and not in the legal sense of the term.

As my trial began, the prosecutor entered ? and it was Darph Bobo! That's when I realized that the scumbag Dark Clown had sent me the gift gum. He knew that if I used it on Snozzle, I'd be royally frecked! It was a cunning scheme: How could anyone have connected Clownzooka Gum to the Dark Clowns?

Penelope presented a heartbreaking summary of my humanitarian achievements and contributions to universal peace. Then, just as she was on the verge of getting my case dismissed, she recused herself because she loved me too much to defend me. The jury sentenced me to be electrocuted on the spot, though whether it was for the gum incident or for being stupid enough to hire Penelope I'm not sure.

They strapped me into the electric chair, which was provided courtesy of Mother Flocker's Fried Chicken. Darph Bobo flipped the switch and I lit up like the neon sign over my head. If I'm being completely honest, I think I did smell a bit like fried chicken, too. As usual, though, Bobo couldn't do anything right; the power came and went faster than a sailor in a whorehouse. After watching me twitch for a few minutes, the crowd cried for mercy and Judge Julie set me free with electrocution-time served.

Six and Gus pulled me out of the chair while my tentacles were still smoking. Eager to escape the stench of fried chicken, we got the flock out of there. But the last laugh was on Darph Bobo ? I still have some gum left! In your face, you frecking clown!

Six, Chode, Gus, T'Nuk, Whip, Spaceship Bob, Darph Bobo, Adam, Judge Julie, Mr. Good Cop, Mr. Bad Cop

A humorous and sexy send-up of all things SF, following the adventures of The Free Enterprise, a smuggling vessel led by a stumpy purple alien named Chode, who, along with his colorful group of misfit shipmates, battles arch-enemies and new obstacles in space each week.

Chode's crew includes Six, a sexy cyborg who happens to be the most advanced android ever created; Gus, Chode's sexually confused and verbally abused robot slave; T'Nuk, the ship's esthetically challenged pilot; and Whip, Chode's teenage slacker nephew. Spaceship Bob is the fastest ship in the galaxy.

3D animation.

The Sci-Fi Channel's first-ever original animated series.

Based on a Web short film of the same name, which debuted on Level13.net in November 1999, and which won the grand prize in the Playboy Animation Contest in 2000.